"Admit something: Everyone you see, you say to them, “'Love me.'" - Hafez
For instance, the phrase that opens this post demonstrates our great need for positive regard from others. So strong is this need that our souls are actually imprisoned by it, though we are almost always unconscious of this fact, or at least burying such awareness beneath our psychological defense mechanisms so quickly that it is easily dismissed. Because of this, I find that it often takes a lot of convincing to get people to see their susceptibility to "the gaze of other." Hence this post, which aims to convince of this very fact, and, once convinced, to suggest how to "use the force" for the good. Above and to the right is a short video, entitled "Still Face Experiment." In this video, Dr. Tronick demonstrates an infant's (6 month old) need for positive regard from its mother. It begins with the mother giving positive regard, the natural response of a parent to an infant. Then, the mother is instructed to withdraw her attention from the infant, for a brief instant. The mother quickly returns her attention to the infant but with an intentionally nonresponsive countenance. She holds this nonresponsive countenance for two minutes, during which the infant shows increasing signs of obvious distress. The point of all this is to demonstrate that we humans are hard wired for positive feedback from others from birth, and, the more positive the nature of the feedback the better! Now, you may think that this strong need for positive regard from the other is a necessary requisite of the parent-child relationship that is outgrown as a child develops and becomes more independent. This is certainly not the case. It is the power of the gaze of the other that makes the late teen peer group experience so important (Any even quasi attentive parent can tell you that!). It is the power of the gaze of the other that is behind the multi-billion dollar health and beauty industries. It is the power of the gaze of the other that keeps one on edge in the workplace. It is the power of the gaze of the other that brings conformity to political parties and nationalist sentiments. And, it is the power of the gaze of the other that makes solitary confinement such a powerfully punitive punishment. These are but the tip of the gaze iceberg (which can only be threatened by a warming of hearts, not the globe). In fact, if one were to develop the practice of introspection when one notices a negative feeling state within oneself, one could very likely trace that feeling state to an experience or thought (memory or imagination) in which one experienced negative regard in the gaze the other. Likewise, when one notices a positive feeling state within oneself, one could very likely trace that feeling state to an experience or thought (memory or imagination) in which one experienced positive regard in the gaze the other. If such a thought experiment remains unconvincing, you could try a real life experiment by delivering a negative gaze to the next person you meet (I DON'T recommend this, per se) and watch for the shift of that person's feeling state. You will quickly come to see the truth of the matter, namely, that from the moment we are born to the moment we die, we are highly susceptible to the gaze of the other. Such susceptibility imprisons the soul. To recognize the susceptibility one has to the gaze of the other is the beginning of one's freedom. (This is why psychodynamic work is so important on the spiritual path. Spiritual transformation is not possible without psychological freedom, on which more, perhaps, a few posts down the road.) Equally powerful to the experience of becoming free of the gaze of the other is the recognition that follows on the heels of such freedom, namely, that "the gaze" is a dynamic experience between the gazer and the gazee. Since we have been discussing the gazee, let's end with a few words about the gazer. Given that we humans are so susceptible to the gaze of the other, it follows that to be the gazer is to possess great power ("With great power comes great responsibility!" Egads, two superhero reference in one post. What would my high school English teacher say?!). What, then, shall one do with such power? Shall we look out upon the world with stone cold eyes, prompting negative emotional states in others? Or, shall we look out upon the world with loving eyes, prompting positive emotional states in others? As for me, I think the world is a little too poor in love and goodness these days. I seek to affect the counterbalance... ...to wit, Hafez:
Namaste,
Alex In his poem, Love After Love, Derek Walcott writes of “the stranger who has loved you all your life.” The phrase evokes a secret romance waiting to be revealed. Sounds like the exciting stuff of which Harlequin Romances are made! Within the context of Walcott’s poem, however, the phrase is more enigmatic than may first appear, as we also learn that the “stranger” is none other than oneself: “You will love again the stranger who was your self.” Clearly, Walcott has another type of love in mind. Immediately below is the poem in its entirety: The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life. For me, the poignancy of this enigmatic poem resides in Walcott’s resolution of a theme that runs through every human life, namely, self-alienation and the journey back to self, and the rich imagery he employs to convey this experience. The thought of self-alienation is quizzical, isn’t it? How can one be alienated from oneself? After all, I am always living in my own skin, am I not? During my morning ablutions I look in the mirror and discover myself looking back at me - without fail - every morning. As I go through my day people invoke me as “Alex” and I never have to pause and wonder to whom they are speaking. The thoughts I think as Alex today are fundamentally the same thoughts I thought as Alex yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that… as well as my emotions, and my sensations (It is always my right shoulder that is stiff after a workout.). Seems to me that I am always living in my own skin. What, then, is this talk of “self-alienation”? To understand self-alienation one must understand that the sense of self is not revealed by the ego structure with which one is identified, i.e., thoughts, emotions, sensations, a name, the recognition of oneself in the mirror. Rather, the sense of self is revealed behaviorally - by the nature of the ego’s activity in the world, for at the root of every egoic action lies a motive that reveals the reality of who one truly is. [Cue Hamlet: “ay, there's the rub!”] Motive, my friends, is what reveals the sense of self. The question of motive could entail a lengthy answer so I will cut to the chase and share the insight I have gathered over the course of my many years of navel gazing. While listing a number of adjectives could suffice for an answer to the question of human motivation, e.g., happy, sad, inquisitive... etc, there is a more primal motivation that drives ALL human (and animal) behavior. The primal motivation of which I speak is the desire for instinctual satisfaction, expressed in three different ways: one-on-one relationships (including sexual); social relationships; and efforts toward self-preservation, e.g., food and shelter. The desire for instinctual satisfaction is a normal (and thereby healthy) modus operandi because it is necessary for survival. However, when instinctual satisfaction is pursued in excess it becomes instinctual gratification (an unhealthy modus operandi). For instance, while sex and food are necessary for survival, only a certain amount of sex and food are necessary for survival. Whereas, the exessive pursuit of sex and food is not necessary for survival and actually indicates a problematic psychological state (on which more shortly below). Another way of saying this is to say that instinctual gratification is instinctual satisfaction become addiction. (If you need a psychological safety net here, “creature comforts” are a gray area, a sort of neutral zone between instinctual satisfaction and instinctual gratification - a judgment call on your part.) Here we have come full circle for it is instinctual gratification (addiction) that motivates most human action in our modern world (especially in the materialistic/capitalistic west, where instinctual gratification is the name of the game). (*Remember, I am cutting to the chase here. For those desiring a more detailed discussion of this topic, my upcoming core curriculum will delve more thoroughly into the matter.) As a motive for action in the world, instinctual gratification reveals something very telling about one’s sense of self. It reveals that oneself, in and of oneself, is not sufficient for oneself. Hence, one comes to the unconscious belief that satisfaction in life can only be found outside of oneself (in excessive pursuit of the objects of instinctual gratification). Claudio Naranjo, one of the earliest western enneagram teachers, stated the matter thusly: “Every person develops a style of compensating for the ontological emptiness that is at the center of ego.”
Though most people cannot put words to their experience of self-alienation, on some level they are aware that their sense of self is this experience of self-alienation. This is why Walcott’s poem, though enigmatic, offers profound comfort for people: it puts words to the experience of self-alienation. Love after Love tells you that you have ignored yourself, “for another.” In the words of this blog post, that other is the objects of instinctual gratification that have become the focus of your life. In this sense, the poem offers a type of diagnosis of your ontological crisis, as if a doctor finally diagnosed a chronic medical condition that has puzzled you your entire life. There is great comfort in finally being able to put words to one’s condition, for this holds out the possibility of resolution. Indeed, Walcott’s poem not only offers profound comfort by putting words to the experience of self-alienation, it also offers profound comfort by prescribing a remedy for the condition. You must “Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life.” In other words, you must take stock of the fact that you have become alienated from your own heart by the excessive pursuit of the objects of instinctual gratification. Then, you must change the focus of your life. That is, you must redirect your attention and your efforts toward your own heart, where you will become reacquainted with your true self. This is the other type of love Walcott had in mind when penning this poem. Becoming free of the entrapment of instinctual gratification and returning to one’s true self is a profound experience. It is a reacquaintance with the innate joy of one’s own being, leading to a palpable shift in one’s sense of self. Hence the rich imagery Walcott employs to convey this experience. The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror, and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. [Then you shall] Feast on your life! The quote from the Katha Upanishad and the video of Shaina Noll's song, Return Again (both immediately below) are additional material, consistent with the theme of this post. They are well worth pondering and listening...
Namaste,
Alex |
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